My mother gave me a quilt, made especially for me by my grandmother, when I was about ten or so. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. You could just feel the love that had gone into it with each tiny hand sewn stitch. I think she gave it to me at such a young age, to make me feel like I did have a family that loved me, besides her. She understood that something like that was so important to an only child being raised by a single parent. From the day I got that quilt I had it on my bed, even if that bed, later on, was in the back seat of my car.
Last night, I was looking at that quilt and thinking that my “family” is in about the same shape as that quilt. It is virtually nonexistent all around the borders and what does exist, is hanging in strings. It is dingy and worn and possibly beyond repair, but yet, I want to repair it. I went to sleep last night dreaming of how I could possibly repair it. How could you repair something like that without carefully removing every last hand sewn stitch, removing that wonderfully warm flannel backing, the real cotton batting and possible half of the once beautiful teal blue border? The only part of that quilt that was sewn on a machine was the outlying border. Then, even if you went to all that trouble of removing all the stitches, what would be the point? It would never, ever be the same. Much like a broken family.
This time of year makes me wish for a family more than any other time of year. I see all the commercials of happy families coming together to decorate their homes and share presents and just go socialize with friends. We won't be doing that because there are only the two of us and at the present we are in much the same shape as that quilt.
The boy is pulling away from me as he should be. In fact, he should have done it several years ago but he didn't, because he knows, when he does I will be totally alone. He doesn't go and I feel guilty every day that he stays because I know I can't make it without him. He is sick of me and I am so sick of me. It has been two years since I got my license and no job yet. I have just gotten to the point that I cannot even make myself go look for a job. Being able to handle rejection has never been my strength, in fact, letting rejection get to me is the worst quality I have. Maybe writing all this down and actually putting it out there will have some effect.
The thing that makes me the most ill is that I do have ideas for possible jobs, but even after thinking about how to talk someone into hiring me I just don't follow through with it. I just can not muster enough belief in myself to go on and do it. For example, there was this job opening with the state health department for a Social Worker V. Now, I know I would not qualify for that job but I know I would make the person they did hire an excellent assistant. This is basically what they wanted for that position:
“Interviews clients and/or family to assess the client's current developmental level, ego strengths and deficits, situation strengths and weaknesses and mental status. Discusses the proposed plan with the client detailing the recommendations and the reasoning for them, and identifies alternative interventions and methods. Evaluates social work program effectiveness; implements procedural changes to ensure proper compliance. Teaches concepts of appropriate social work principles internally and externally. Coordinates external services for clients and serves as client advocate to ensure continuing services are received. Meets with community groups to discuss and review available programs and to identify areas where resources need to be expanded or reallocated. Develops treatment plans through consultation with professionals from areas such as nursing, psychology, psychiatry, medicine and chaplaincy. Monitors and documents progress of clients and makes service/treatment plan adjustments. Provides individual/group supervision of lower-level social service staff. Conducts community planning, needs assessment and evaluation concerning societal conditions which impact on social functioning.”
In the ad on Careerbuilder there was also mention of grantwriting. Now this job interested me very much, possibly more than any other job I've seen over the past two years. It's in public health and works with single parents. I know I could provide this person with awesome tools to enable her to do her job better. But did I try for it? No. Why? That is the question. It makes me sick that I just can not muster the belief in myself to go on out there and go for something I think I would be good at. Shoot...
Anyway, I kind of got off track...but it helped :)
Monday, December 6, 2010