I sure don't feel like a mother today....

This post was started yesterday...hence the difference in time frames.

This will probably be the most depressing post I have ever written, but since I refuse to go to therapy anymore, or take anti-depressants, I'm writing it here...this is my therapy.

The most vivid dreams I can recall having as a little girl were of being a mom. Not just any mom, but supermom with at least five children and a husband that loved and provided for all of us in a great big old white Victorian house with yellow trim. I was sure we would have lots of love and lots of animals and flowers and all the great things a little girl can dream of. As I got a little older and I learned about Frank Lloyd Wright...the dream was altered to include me as mother and acclaimed architect :) My mother had this very large book entirely devoted to Frank Lloyd Wright and his creations, we even have an actual house of his in our town, I would sit with it in my lap and pour over it for hours at a time and dream. I am so surprised that it is still around and still in pretty good shape. Then there came an actual algebra class and my dreams of being an architect vanished. Then came the sexual abuse, then the abortions, then the drug abuse and self-loathing...to make a long story short. I was a fairly happy, strong-willed and fiercely independent little girl and kept those qualities through it all until now. In trying to figure out what has happened to that little girl I am at a loss. All I know is that she is gone, or at the very least, so...very...tired.

I know I've told you all about how I am mother to multiple cats. A couple of weeks ago I had eleven. A week ago I had eight. Today I have two. I have two because that is what the city will allow me to have. Thursday the bitch across the street got my Georgie in her trap. I did not find this out for sure until animal control came to empty the trap. When I went to get him back I was accosted by this big old meany asking me over and over again "just how many cats do you have?" and then when I didn't want to answer him "I can't let you have this one back until you tell me how many you have" and then the ultimate blow "you are not allow to have more than two animals on your property at one time." I left there with a large cage and orders to bring then in on Monday or they would be out here to pick them up and I would have to pay a pick up fee.

So this morning I shut down my heart the best I could and put them all in the cage and took them to the pound. My son was talking to them in the car on the way to take him to work, saying his goodbye's. I couldn't say a word, all I could think of was that as much as I want to blame that bitch across the street and call her a cat murderer, it is in fact me that is doing the possible murder. I am the one taking them. I am the one not able to find suitable homes for them. I am the one not able to get them fixed. I even had to take the babies that I hand fed and were so imprinted on me that I don't know if they will ever belong to anyone else the way they did to me. On Friday I prayed that God would give me my Georgie back. I have to say that was the quickest answer to a prayer I have ever gotten. Maybe it was His way of making me do something about my situation. Left to my own devices I guess I would have had forty cats in six months. I had five females, not fixed.

There were several good things that happened to make me feel a little better about it though. Animal control has a brand new building. They assured me that as long as they are able to handle them then they will not be killed. They assured me that they work with CARA(our no-kill shelter), the Humane Society and Petsmart to try to find homes for all the animals. They did let me put them all in their cages, so I got to put Peachy in with the babies. She is not their mother but she thinks she is. After she had hers and lost them she adopted Arabella's babies that she had abandoned for 4 days and I had to keep alive. I figured it was just as well that Peachy have those babies to ease her pain and theirs, even if just for a little while. Oh and as I was filling out the paperwork for six cats I could hear them in there and I swear before I left they were all talking to each other and to the other cats in there...sounded like a party. They didn't sound distressed at all. Maybe they gave me that :)Needless to say George and Minnie are pretty pissed at me now, even though they finally have the house to themselves, they can no longer roam free. They can no longer go out and catch bugs and such. I hope they will adjust, just as I hope I will adjust to only having two cats. Since my son was born, I have had multiple animals, he seemed to attract them...

I often wonder why some people are born beautiful and are allowed to have beautiful lives to go along with it and some are doomed from the get go. I guess that story is true, that if everyone were to line up their problems side by side and you could choose, then you would pick up your own problems and go on your way. It's just time like these that the story is a little hard to comprehend.